For all the times I thought cutting you off would’ve made me find happiness. I was so blind I thought you were the thing holding me back from living my life the way I wanted to. You were doing so much for me and I had nothing but hate for you. I apologize.
For all the times I looked at you in the mirror and squeezed you crying and screaming against you because I just wanted you to disappear, to look flat, like the girl on the covers, or the girl next door, and you would just hang and look at me with that soft, feminine, wise smile of yours. I never knew how much love you were showing me all along. I apologize.
For all the times I abused you, depriving you of food to the point you would beg for crumbles and make loud noises from hunger. And I would just ignore and deny you. And for all the times I binge ate leaving you bloated and hopeless, filled with all the feelings I would rather eat than feel. You still made it through, you still carried me forward. I apologize.
For all the times my fears of not being enough would creep in and make you sick, forcing you to close your doors on me and make me feel so detached from you. You were telling me so clearly what it was that you needed: acceptance. But I couldn’t listen. I apologize.
For all the times I worked out in the gym to make you look “fit” and “toned,” while sucking you in without letting you breath, hoping to catch someone’s attention, desperate to receive validation. I was shrinking you so violently. And you were still functioning, abs hurting, showing me your infinite strength. I didn’t pay attention. I apologize.
For all the times I would suck you in and hold my breath when the hands of a lover would reach to you, and instead of sharing my pleasure with you, I would only reserve shame for you. Cover you before anyone could rest their eyes on you for too long. Their gaze, my gaze, was what I longed for the most, and yet I rejected it. I blamed it on you. And you were blooming gracefully, still I couldn’t see you. I apologize.
For all the times I didn’t know how to love myself, but you did. For all that you taught me about resilience. For finally learning to love you, your rolls, your warmth, your sexiness, the heritage you carry within you. I’ve decided to forgive myself.
I’ve been staring at you in the mirror. To find that you look exactly like the essence of my life itself. In you I saw my mother, my sister, my girlfriends. And then I finally met you in love and surrender. Now I see you. I listen to you.
You are the beginning of it all. And so I’ll never hide you from the world again. Never shrink you again. Because I am taking up space for you. And I will take care of you. And I will protect you from their hate, which has become my own. I’ll feed your shapes with the love you deserve.